I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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