Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
