Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
