from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
