i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
