My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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