So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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