So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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