if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
