Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
