I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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