I have demons in me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
