so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
