his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
