Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sorry about my life...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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