Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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