Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
