I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
