Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
