security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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