I'd wear matching sweaters with you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
