Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I touched a dick in church today
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
