Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
