The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
