I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
