i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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