you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
