btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the day after is always just damage control
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
