he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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