That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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