The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Princesses don't give blow jobs
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
