he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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