saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
