I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
