omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
