I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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