Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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