I'm drive I can fine osifer
well I can't set my house on fire every night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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