I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
