Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
