My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
