I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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