the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
