my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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