we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
