...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
