My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
