Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
