I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
