Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
