I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
